Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Ah, Internet access! My modem broke last Thursday and I felt crippled. Turns out it wasn't the modem per se, but its power cord. So glad to be back up and connected!

Coincidentally, right at the same time the tendons at the base of my left hand began to really hurt. I'd had a low level of something going on there since early January, and saw a doctor on The Day The Modem Stopped Working. A brace, an ice pack and a bottle of Ibuprofen later, I thought I was set. But by the weekend, I was in excruciating pain, unable to do the simplest two-handed tasks. I couldn't open a jar, cut with a knife, even wash my hair. My hand was swollen and throbbing, and I was miserable. At least it wasn't my dominant hand, so I could still write and eat. Odd, though; it's not like I mouse with my left hand.

A different brace on Monday has helped, though I'm typing this one-handed to avoid aggravating the problem. Why now, do you suppose? Could it be grief-related, or dating-related? The problem did begin right when I started dating, after all. As an exercise in self-discovery, I took myself off to a quiet place and asked my hand what it was trying to tell me. Immediately the answer came back: I want to touch T, and I can't. He is gone. The pain in my hand reflects the pain in my heart, missing T.

Guy is a lovely person, a balm to my sore heart and a pleasure to be with, but he can't replace T. I am perhaps being reminded by my body to go slow, to not take on more than one hand can manage. And so I comfort my hand, and remind myself to Lighten Up.

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