I find that I'm having a hard time keeping from spinning elaborate what-if scenarios about a rosy, perfect future now that there's a man in my life. "I can do more evening activities, like book club meetings, because He will stay home and be with B," I think. I think about my summer vacation plans, and what to do about them. I wonder how much money we'll save by combining households, and converting two homes into one. How big a place would we want? Where would we live? Stop! It will all unfold as in due time, and obsessing about it now, building up my expectations, will only make me more likely to hold on if and when it's time to let go, or take it harder than necessary if he ends it.
And yet, I'm inconsistent about my feelings for Guy. After our Friday Valentine's celebration, I felt great about him. I couldn't wait until his mid-week visit on Wednesday. Thursday morning, perhaps because of lack of sleep in specific and fear of intimacy in general, I was not so high on him. Saturday's date was (dare I say) pleasant, but the sizzle may be fizzling. A mini-grief bomb went off when he clicked off the bathroom light, just like T did every night of our married life. Same sound, same situation, wrong person, my heart said. Again, I have to remind myself that we're not planning our wedding. We're just having a nice time together, seeing where things lead. If I'm slow to move down the path, that's OK. Pausing to take in the view is perfectly acceptable and appropriate.
I find it interesting that a lot of the widow/widower bloggers I follow have recently posted about dating and the presence of a new person in their lives. I think it's mostly because I'm following a cohort; we all lost our spouses around the same time, two years ago plus or minus, and that seems to be a common time to come up for air, romance-wise. Not everyone, though, because each grief journey is unique. "That's why there's chocolate and vanilla", an old friend used to say. I can't describe how helpful it has been to follow the journey of others ahead and alongside me, letting me know that my feelings and issues are common, that I'm not alone. Thank you, fellow bloggers!
I think it is quite normal to fantasize about how our lives can/will change when we leave behind a role we never planned to play.
ReplyDeleteYou're a wise woman to realize where you are and what's you're doing and reminding yourself to "lighten up." It's early days yet and who knows where this new found relationship with Guy will take you.
Enjoy it...wherever it may lead.