Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tomorrow is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

I couldn’t face it anymore. Tomorrow is my first day of a leave of absence from work, and I don’t expect I’ll return. What will I do for a job, for money? I have no idea, but I know it will be fun and scary to figure it out.

What contributed to the situation? Probably not PMS or PMDD. The third anniversary of T’s death was April 24th (Easter this year), and with the focus on rebirth, renewal, re-creation of the Easter season, my stuckness probably just got too painful. A small windfall from T (stock options from T’s company that had been under water since the crash are suddenly worth something) was just enough to tip me over the edge. I had said I didn’t want to run FROM something, but rather run TO -- but I seemed incapable of making any progress on what the TO looked like while sapped of all energy and motivation.

All weekend I’ve been alternating between believing this was the best thing I’ve ever done, and panicking. What will I do for money? Can I really define a dream, go for it, and make it happen? Have I done irreparable harm to my professional chances, should I decide to go back into high tech?

It feels really strange, almost butterflies-in-my-stomach nervous-making, to know I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and not go to work. I’ll have to get B off to preschool as usual, but then … I am a free woman! A spin class, lunch with a dear friend, some reading, and perhaps a nap are on the agenda. I’m giving myself some time to de-tox before kicking the career investigation into high gear.

And then, watch out! Anything could happen!

1 comment:

  1. A big step... but I hope the right one for you.
    Looking forward to reading all that's in store for you along this exciting new path.