Monday, April 5, 2010

Wanting and Needing

I've been thinking a lot about the difference between wanting and needing in relationships. My goal is to be happy and content on my own, to not need anyone romantically in my life. Entering or staying in a relationship because of emotional neediness is dangerous -- it can make you do crazy, unhealthy things. And with a daughter to raise, I am hypersensitive to putting myself in situations where I might behave in ways that could impact her wellbeing.

But when I imagine being alone the rest of my life, having no one to talk to, no one to share decisions with, no one to help when the car needs repair or we've run out of milk, I get anxious and unhappy. I don't want to be alone, without a life partner. I want to be in a loving, supportive, give-and-take relationship.

I feel like much of my emotional energy is spent wishing to be with someone. In one way, it's good, because I'm focusing my attention on what I want. I'm a big believer in the idea that you get what you put out into the universe. On the other hand, I fear that I'm trying to live the "happily ever after" fairytale, concentrating on getting to the wedding to the exclusion of other goals and objectives in life. Goodness knows, I'm aware that just because you're married, your life isn't perfect and the yearning, striving, and growth doesn't end. But for right now, it seems that I'm all about finding that next relationship.

Which brings me to the status of Guy. I'm still seeing him, and am not actively looking for other men. He is such a nice guy, and I do enjoy being with him. Can you hear the "but..." coming? I just don't see it going anywhere serious. I'm not quite ready to call it quits, but I'm pretty sure that's where we're heading. I dated a very nice guy for 6 years, prior to T, with whom I had a very pleasant relationship that just never quite got to the finish line for either of us. I know what that feels like, and I recognize the feeling with Guy, I'm afraid. Having experienced the online dating world now, I'm not excited about the prospect of returning to it, but that's most likely the next step.

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