A Roller Coaster Day

What a day! It started with high nerves and excited anticipation in the morning, knowing I was meeting Guy for a hike at a local park. And we had a lovely time. It has been very rainy and wet the last week, but after a bit of drizzle initially, the sun came out and it turned into a glorious day. I immediately felt comfortable and at ease with him, and we talked about all sorts of things. I brought the bread and cheese, he brought the Champagne (really!). We hiked to the top of the ridge, holding hands, where there was a bench with a gorgeous view. (The photo was taken from the bench.) Sharing our hilltop was a young couple who had gotten engaged just moments before we arrived (she still had the ring box in her hand), and Guy offered them a glass of bubbly. We all agreed it was serendipitous, their engagement and our first real date coinciding over good sparkler.

We weren't ready to say goodbye when I had to head home to relieve the babysitter, so I brought Guy with me. He gave me roses then (wow!). I was pleased to show him my home, though after the fact it occurred to me that there are several pictures of T, and of T and me, and that might have been weird for him. We enjoyed some mild adult time together, and it felt like just what the doctor ordered. He left when it was time to get B up from her nap, as we decided it would be better to hold off introducing the two of them until he and I spend a little more time together. I invoked my mantra to "Lighten Up" whenever I found myself heading down the path of relationship speculation, and found it very helpful. Altogether, it was an auspicious beginning to some sort of relationship.

But now I'm so tired. Emotionally exhausted, melancholy, let down, confused, sad. Right now, I just want my old life back, with T's arms around me. B's Daddy. The comfort and certainty of love and commitment, the ease of familiarity. There are so many thoughts spinning in my head, so many reasons I can see for my mood. Having a man in the house, and then leave, reminded me of what I used to have, the man that used to be here all the time. Having him here and then gone threw into higher relief what I've lost, and the loneliness I feel. Having him leave before seeing B was a stark reminder that B's Daddy is gone, and no one can replace him. It feels exhausting to imagine the emotional work required to build a relationship to the level of intimacy and trust that T and I had, and of course there's no guarantee that Guy will be the one. And as predicted, the huge hole in my heart is still there. While I certainly don't regret meeting or spending time with Guy, and I'm looking forward to spending more time and getting to know him better, my life is still the same; he wasn't able to ride in on a white horse and rescue me from the pain of my loss.

Guy is a wonderful person, and his attention is a balm to my wounded heart, but he's not T. Right now, tonight, I wish he were.