Grief Landmine

Yes, things are going really, really well. I have hope and excitement for the future, energy and passion for today, and gratitude for the wonderful memories of the past. And I am still grieving.

I am exploring the world of life transition coaching: immersing myself in training, coaching and being coached. Yesterday I went to a coaching workshop, and as always occurs in these workshops, I was coached by some very talented people. Finding my next life partner is always a hot topic with me, and by the end of the day I was wrung out, exhausted, and sadder than I have been in a very long time. I felt overwhelmed by the burdens of living and parenting alone; making decisions about schooling and housing without an invested partner seemed more than I could bear. It was less about missing T directly and more about missing the state of being married to someone I love who loves me, but wow, I guess I forgot about how painful the missing and longing is.

Thankfully, I'm feeling much more stable today. I mean, I have this great life! But holy cow, will the yearning for a life partner ever wane?

Dear Old Life

Dear Old Life,

I am breaking up with you. We've had some great times, and I wouldn't change a thing, but I'm in love with My New Life. My New Life makes my heart beat faster, my spirits rise, my eyes sparkle. I am following my heart, not what I think I should do, or what I have always done in the past, or what I think others want me to do. What I Want. Wow, it's a whole new world.

There are many things I will miss about you, Old Life. The routine, the professional clothes, the sense of adding value (back when I was adding value). The big house, the luxurious vacations, the companionship and partnership. The focus, the limited need to choose, the automatic pilot.

And here are the things I won't miss: feeling stuck, feeling helpless, feeling hopeless.

There are SO MANY things I'm excited to do. My days are filled with conversation, learning, exercise, play, celebrating life. I'm starting two businesses, consulting, teaching, volunteering, reading, napping. Staying up too late. Good night!

So have I returned to wholeness? Yes, I think I have. And more. But I won't stop posting.

Tomorrow is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

I couldn’t face it anymore. Tomorrow is my first day of a leave of absence from work, and I don’t expect I’ll return. What will I do for a job, for money? I have no idea, but I know it will be fun and scary to figure it out.

What contributed to the situation? Probably not PMS or PMDD. The third anniversary of T’s death was April 24th (Easter this year), and with the focus on rebirth, renewal, re-creation of the Easter season, my stuckness probably just got too painful. A small windfall from T (stock options from T’s company that had been under water since the crash are suddenly worth something) was just enough to tip me over the edge. I had said I didn’t want to run FROM something, but rather run TO -- but I seemed incapable of making any progress on what the TO looked like while sapped of all energy and motivation.

All weekend I’ve been alternating between believing this was the best thing I’ve ever done, and panicking. What will I do for money? Can I really define a dream, go for it, and make it happen? Have I done irreparable harm to my professional chances, should I decide to go back into high tech?

It feels really strange, almost butterflies-in-my-stomach nervous-making, to know I’ll wake up tomorrow morning and not go to work. I’ll have to get B off to preschool as usual, but then … I am a free woman! A spin class, lunch with a dear friend, some reading, and perhaps a nap are on the agenda. I’m giving myself some time to de-tox before kicking the career investigation into high gear.

And then, watch out! Anything could happen!